Support your children. Defend your children. Love them unconditionally. Never judge them. And always make sure they feel safe.
These are things I had to learn because I had none of these growing up. But I was acutely aware of what other people's experiences were in their homes growing up, how my adult friends interacted with their children based on how they were raised, and even mother/child relationships I saw on TV or in the movies. I was very cognizant of what was right and what was wrong; what was healthy and what was destructive.
Admittedly, when my children were very young, like 1 and 3, I heard words coming out of my mouth that I did not like. They were the same words I heard growing up. I was shocked at how easy it was to just repeat the familiar. It's just human nature to repeat what is most familiar; those same behaviors that I so despised. I made a pact with myself right then and there that I would break those patterns. I would never allow anyone to abuse my children in any way. I would defend them, and support them always, even if I didn't agree with them. I would love them unconditionally, no matter what they said or did. We would never go to bed angry, and I would always tell them I loved them before they went to sleep. And I would never judge them. They are who they are, and if I wanted to be respected, I needed to show them respect as well. Again, it's more than ok to disagree. It's not ok to be judgmental. As soon as you start judging your children, they clam up. They lie, or they tell you nothing, because they can't take how awful it feels to be judged. They talk to their friends, and sometimes they confide in friends' parents, but they will shut down around their own parents for fear of being judged. And for me, by behaving in this manner with my children, I always had open lines of communication. And I was often the mom other kids confided in because they could not go to their own parents without being judged.
As a child and a teenager I was one of the great liars of all time! I made up stories to get attention and I lied about everything because I could not handle the constant judgement, the suspicious looks, and the lack of support when I needed a parent to come to my rescue. I told my mother exactly what I thought she wanted to hear. And even then, sometimes my plan failed because the narcissist is so good at doing an about face. But there were so many experiences where someone picked on me, or lashed out at me, or demeaned me in front of her and she did nothing. And I felt nothing but pain and humiliation. Here are some examples:
a ballet teacher who, in front of my mother, picked on me and berated me for being overweight. And my mother did nothing to protect me.
another mother who blasted me for something I said very innocently, and again, my mother did nothing.
when I was 8, I was left at day camp by the counselor who drove a bunch of us to and from the camp. He never noticed me sitting under a tree, and never noticed I wasn't in the station wagon with him and the other kids. I finally found someone at camp who could help me and I was driven home. Neither of my parents ever complained to the camp owners, and I was sent right back to camp the next day.
my aunt was a raging alcoholic, and when she got very drunk, she often picked on me. Even when I was in my 20s, she directed her drunken anger toward me in front of the entire family. Not once did either parent, or any other relative defend me or admonish her for her behavior.
These are just a few of the many times in my life where I was the target of someone's anger, or left frightened, humiliated, and/or embarrassed. Times when a normal, loving parent would come to their child's rescue. I was left to fend for myself. I never felt safe or supported. I realized at a very early age that I needed to protect myself. I needed to be my own best advocate. And when I looked at my own children years later, I knew what my life's mission was: to protect them and defend them at all costs; to make sure they knew they were loved and and most of all, safe and supported. Nothing is worse for a child than to feel unsafe. But don't be afraid to have children. You can change and break the patterns. And if you already have children and are worried about your behaviors towards them, the same thing holds true. You can change all of it. You can be the one who stops the pattern of abuse. I promise. And I am here to help. Please let me know what your fears are, and what you need help with. You are not alone. I stand with you.
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